Τώρα τι κάνω;

Το στόμα μου αρχίζει να στεγνώνει και τα χέρια μου ιδρώνουν. Ιδρώνουν πολύ.

Το ίδιο και το μέτωπο μου. Νιώθω ένα ηλεκτρικό ρεύμα να με διαπερνά και μουδιάζω.

Ζαλίζομαι; Δεν έχω καταλάβει.

Θέλω να το πω, αλλά η φωνή μου έχει μπλοκάρει. Έχω μπει σε mute και δεν βρίσκω ποιο κουμπί να πατήσω για να βγω.

Αυτή τη φορά λέω, θα το πεις.

Θα βρεις το θάρρος και τη δύναμη και θα το πεις. Σου το χρωστάς.

Άλλωστε το ξέρουν, σίγουρα το έχουν καταλάβει.

Αν το έχουν καταλάβει όμως, γιατί φοβάμαι.

Με αγαπάνε, θα το δεχτούν.

Με αγαπάνε αρκετά όμως;

Αν τους πειράξει και με διώξουν; Που θα πάω αν με διώξουν; Δεν έχω που να πάω.

Όλα μοιάζουν περίπλοκα.

Κι εγώ έχω φτιάξει μία καλοσχηματισμένη ιστορία και την παίζω κάθε μέρα την κασέτα.

Το θέατρο του παραλόγου.

Όλοι αυτό παίζουμε και δεν μιλάμε.

Δεν παραδεχόμαστε την αλήθεια.

Ας την παραδεχτούμε και ας αγκαλιαστούμε μέσα στα κλάματα.

Στη Νούλα το είπα τα Χριστούγεννα. Ένιωσα ελεύθερος και για πρώτη φορά ήταν σα να με αγκάλιαζε πιο αληθινά. Σα να πήρε η φιλία μας άλλη μορφή, πιο όμορφη, πιο καλοστρογγυλέμενη, σα να δεθήκαμε κι άλλο.

Πόσο ακόμη να της το κρατούσα κρυφό.

Ήταν κρυφό;

Αυτή το φορά λέω, θα το πεις.

Θα κοιτάξεις τους γονείς σου στα μάτια και θα το πεις.

”Μαμά, μπαμπά μου αρέσουν τα αγόρια”

Αυτή τη φορά λέω, θα το πεις!

Θα σταματήσεις να είσαι πεθαμένος και θα ζήσεις επιτέλους. Θα σπάσεις τα δεσμά και αποφυλακιστείς. Για σένα ρε παιδί μου.

Πάμε αγόρι μου το έχεις, φωνάζω δυνατά!

Κάνω μπάνιο, χτενίζομαι και φοράω το αγαπημένο πουκάμισο της μαμάς.

Καθόμαστε στο τραπέζι για φαγητό. Σιωπή. Επικρατεί σιωπή.

”Μαμά, μπαμπά, μου αρέσουν τα αγόρια”

Το είπα! Και για μία στιγμή νόμιζα πως έχω πάθει εγκεφαλικό.

4 μάτια να με κοιτάζουν επίμονα και με μανία.

Το φαγητό σταμάτησε.

Ο μπαμπάς ήπιε μία γουλιά νερό κι εγώ νομίζω πως θα κάνω εμετό.

Η μαμά σηκώθηκε και έφερε το γλυκό.

Είχαμε όντως γλυκό;

Σερβίρει και λέει κοιτώντας με στα μάτια.

”Ας σου αρέσουν και οι πολυθρόνες, τι με νοιάζει”

Ο μπαμπάς με φιλάει στο μέτωπο.

Κι εγώ άρχισα να κλαίω γοερά και με λυγμούς, χωρίς να ξέρω το γιατί, χωρίς να υπάρχει λόγος.

Έβγαλα όλη τη σαπίλα που κουβαλούσα τόσα χρόνια.

Τώρα θα ζήσω ελεύθερος.

Όχι γιατί με αποδέχτηκαν. Γιατί κατάφερα να το ξεστομίσω.

”Μαμά, μπαμπά μου αρέσουν τα αγόρια”

Αυτή η φράση ήταν η λύτρωση που έψαχνα 30 χρόνια!

Τώρα νιώθω ελεύθερος, δεν φοβάμαι και δεν χρειάζεται να φοβάμαι ούτε εγώ, ούτε κανείς.

Μίλα, πες το να ξελαφρώσεις, πες το για να σε αγαπήσεις πιο πολύ και να σε αποδεχτείς.

Πες το και μη φοβάσαι. Εγώ σε στηρίζω!

Teo Angelis

Photographer | Videographer

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